Tuesday, August 30

Tonight I did Something I Shouldn't Have

So, tonight I did something I shouldn't have. I went back and looked over old post. Yes, I know there aren't many there to read but there are some that I still remember writing. I really remember what I was feeling as I wrote them.

There are post that are all about the "boyfriend". The boyfriend I no longer have. These post, when I wrote them, meant the world to me. Now they are just a reminder that things didn't turn into the fairy tale I thought they would.  Post like Someone very wise once said and Love Letters by Great Mean have brought me to my knees.

This is a place I haven't been in a while. One place I thought I would never have to worry about being in again. But you know that is what love does. You build it up. You put it on the pedestal and then you realize it wasn't what you thought it was.

Can I ask you something? Women, why do you let ourselves get hurt?

I mean why did I not see in those 3 years that he wasn't really going to change for me? That he wasn't going to ever move closer to me? That I wasn't to him what he was to me.

I am glad that I was able to see these facts. Yes, it hurts to know that I spent 3 years waiting for him to make me a priority in his life. You know what though I am glad I am able to see it now. Of course it hurts. Some days more than others but it get easier, just like my daddy always said.

So now the debate begins. Delete them? Save them? Let the universe do with them what it wants?

For now I will save them. I mean they are what I was feeling, what I was thinking, what I had to get out. Those post are now part of my ever changing life. Yes, it does hurt to see them but it is also reassuring knowing I have something to remember the good times and the bad times because in the end they both make me into girl I am today. A girl who is learning to live life as a single gal.

- Alanna

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