Wednesday, October 5

Happiness, only the begining



I am happy, period. The End.

I would love for this to be all I need to say. All I needed to believe. But happiness isn't a saying it is a feeling. And well truth is we all fall in and out of happiness.
I have hurt people and people have hurt me. But I have learn in my rather short lifetime that you can't base your happiness on others. You have to be the one to make yourself happy.

To be honest everyone has their good days and everyone has their bad days. Some have more then other on both sides of the fence.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
 THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG DIRECTION WHEN LOOKING FOR YOUR HAPPINESS.

Well I am out here in this big old world, out here search for my happiness. I am no longer placing this happiness in a relationship, friendships or even in my worldly possessions. I am going to go out into this world and search for my real happiness. The one the I made for myself.
-Alanna






Friday, September 23

Crunch time

I am not going to lie. I am suppose to be studying my life away. Remember back in January when I was "freaken" out about that test I had to take, you know the one that says if I am smart enough to get into the school of my dreams. Well, yup you guess right, I am taking it again, on MONDAY. Ahhhhh

No, I am not ready. And yes, I know that getting into this school is going to take some extra loving from GOD, but all I have is time now. I know I shouldn't be stressed but I always seem to be. Life in these past months has taken more twist and turns than I allotted it. But I guess that is what living is all about. Knowing that something good will eventually come, hopefully.

Well, I am waiting on that something good. If I don't get into this program, I will have to think of a new dreams, a new aspiration, which I wont lie kind of excites me. I have always wanted to take pictures, grant it don't even own a camera. I know, I know who doesn't own a camera. Well you are looking at her. I have also always wanted to work with people. I don't know how but I know that  I love the interaction you have with others and I would be so bored and lonely sitting in a cubicle all day long.

I want to be successful but I don't want to base my success on wealth. I want to base it on happiness. Am a thrilled to be doing this, and I am in love with it? I want to love my job. I want to know that I am making a difference.  Most importantly I really want to be living at the beach.


Well I am off for a walk on the beach.

- Alanna

Saturday, September 3

I have no idea where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere.

So lately I haven't been able to sleep. I'll fall asleep at 3am and find myself wide awake by 8am. I have a friend that says I just don't have the "sleeping talent" but I think it is because life is stressing me the f*&% out. I mean you can see it all over my face I am sure.

If you haven't noticed I have been using this space lately more as an outlet than a story teller. Maybe that is a good thing and maybe it is a bad thing, who really knows. All I know is lately my mind has been wondering.

It has been asking me questions after questions. Like, "Alanna, are you really doing this?" I'll of course ask back doing what, and then it just almost immediately spits back numerous Questions, ones I don't really want to hear.

So, mind here is my answer for you, "I have no idea where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere." Does that work for you?



Life you have been throwing twists at me lately and I am now prepared, how I don't really know but I am. I am ready for this new phase "mind", even if you are not .So here is me, answering all these questions once and for all, so mind become prepared to be amazed: 

Yes, I am single, no I have no one perspective new guy. Yes I am living in a new city, no, I don't have many new friends but the ones I do have will be there with me till the end. Yes, I am scared, but then again what is living with out taking some crazy chances when you can.  And yes mind, I am getting a tattoo, so get over it, it is gonna happen and it is happening some. Yes, I wasn't a rebel when I was younger. Okay, fine, yes I did have that one phase but this one is better. This one I am older for. This one I know I can handle without getting hurt. And the questions continue my ultimate response for now is "I have no idea where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere."





-alanna

Tuesday, August 30

Tonight I did Something I Shouldn't Have

So, tonight I did something I shouldn't have. I went back and looked over old post. Yes, I know there aren't many there to read but there are some that I still remember writing. I really remember what I was feeling as I wrote them.

There are post that are all about the "boyfriend". The boyfriend I no longer have. These post, when I wrote them, meant the world to me. Now they are just a reminder that things didn't turn into the fairy tale I thought they would.  Post like Someone very wise once said and Love Letters by Great Mean have brought me to my knees.

This is a place I haven't been in a while. One place I thought I would never have to worry about being in again. But you know that is what love does. You build it up. You put it on the pedestal and then you realize it wasn't what you thought it was.

Can I ask you something? Women, why do you let ourselves get hurt?

I mean why did I not see in those 3 years that he wasn't really going to change for me? That he wasn't going to ever move closer to me? That I wasn't to him what he was to me.

I am glad that I was able to see these facts. Yes, it hurts to know that I spent 3 years waiting for him to make me a priority in his life. You know what though I am glad I am able to see it now. Of course it hurts. Some days more than others but it get easier, just like my daddy always said.

So now the debate begins. Delete them? Save them? Let the universe do with them what it wants?

For now I will save them. I mean they are what I was feeling, what I was thinking, what I had to get out. Those post are now part of my ever changing life. Yes, it does hurt to see them but it is also reassuring knowing I have something to remember the good times and the bad times because in the end they both make me into girl I am today. A girl who is learning to live life as a single gal.

- Alanna

Thursday, August 25

So I LIED

Okay, okay. So I lied. I wasn't really back for long. My summer has taken some twist and turns along this crazy path I have chosen, however for the most part I am happy with where my life is taking me.

So I guess I need to start explaining what all I am referring too, huh? I am sure you are curious as to what these twist and turns are?

Well lets just jump right into it then. As some of you know but not all I am sure, I moved to the beach for the summer. I figured it would be a fun adventure especially after how my college career end and all (you know that little thing called a tornado that hit my beloved Tuscaloosa).

Well I fell in love with the beach. I mean how could I not? I work at night and spend most of my days sleeping or at the beach. How is that not fun? Plus I have made some wonderful friends down here and really learned what living is all about. So, now that summer has come to an end and all of my roommates have left to go back to school I have decided to make the beach life a permanent thing, well that is at least for a year before I have to go back to school myself.

I mean, would you not do the same thing if you had the chance? That's a serious question people...

So yea, I am living at the beach now. It has had it stressful moments, trying to figure out if I would be able to afford it down here and if I could find a place to live and another job. Let me tell you something God knows how to provide. I am now a manager at the restaurant and I had found one day job so far and am looking for another.  Yes, I will be busy but I would not have it any other way.

And bonus, I now have a place to live! I am super pumped about this new piece of news because I am about to have to move out of the place I am currently living in now and because the new place is closer to the beach and work.

So all of that is just the tip of the iceberg. While down at the beach I was able to take a good look at my life and maul over where it was going. A disturbing away to describe it, I know but I feel like that is how it went.

I made the decision to move to the beach with out the" boy's" help. That sounds stupid right. But after 3 years of dating is it? I mean its not like I could call him up and say "Hey, I'm moving to the beach for the summer", he is at fucking boot camp and we had no contact. So I did it. I moved down here. I had let him move to Montana and everywhere else, why should it matter if I moved to the beach.

Well to him, it wasn't a big deal, but at the same time it didn't matter if had been a big deal, I was already down here and I wasn't going anywhere. So that got my mind twirling and I realized, I was always the one doing the traveling in the relationship or always the one trying to make it work. Now he would come see me and we tried to make it fair (the whole traveling thing) but I always felt like I was putting more into it than him. So I did want anyone would do, I cried and laughed and I debated for a while about what I was going to do. Stay miserable or get single? I know that I loved the kid but should I make myself happy? Of course there is always more than one problem in relationship so I looked at all those and I came to the conclusion. "I needed a break."

So here is another twist and turn, I am now single. After 3 years, it weird and different but I am enjoying life. Who knows what the future holds for us but I know right now I need to figure out what the future holds for me before I put him first in life again.


So with all that off my chest I wish I had pictures to show you what all I have been up too down here as a beach bum but I don't have a camera so this post will just be words for now.


-Alanna