Wednesday, October 5

Happiness, only the begining



I am happy, period. The End.

I would love for this to be all I need to say. All I needed to believe. But happiness isn't a saying it is a feeling. And well truth is we all fall in and out of happiness.
I have hurt people and people have hurt me. But I have learn in my rather short lifetime that you can't base your happiness on others. You have to be the one to make yourself happy.

To be honest everyone has their good days and everyone has their bad days. Some have more then other on both sides of the fence.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
 THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG DIRECTION WHEN LOOKING FOR YOUR HAPPINESS.

Well I am out here in this big old world, out here search for my happiness. I am no longer placing this happiness in a relationship, friendships or even in my worldly possessions. I am going to go out into this world and search for my real happiness. The one the I made for myself.
-Alanna






Friday, September 23

Crunch time

I am not going to lie. I am suppose to be studying my life away. Remember back in January when I was "freaken" out about that test I had to take, you know the one that says if I am smart enough to get into the school of my dreams. Well, yup you guess right, I am taking it again, on MONDAY. Ahhhhh

No, I am not ready. And yes, I know that getting into this school is going to take some extra loving from GOD, but all I have is time now. I know I shouldn't be stressed but I always seem to be. Life in these past months has taken more twist and turns than I allotted it. But I guess that is what living is all about. Knowing that something good will eventually come, hopefully.

Well, I am waiting on that something good. If I don't get into this program, I will have to think of a new dreams, a new aspiration, which I wont lie kind of excites me. I have always wanted to take pictures, grant it don't even own a camera. I know, I know who doesn't own a camera. Well you are looking at her. I have also always wanted to work with people. I don't know how but I know that  I love the interaction you have with others and I would be so bored and lonely sitting in a cubicle all day long.

I want to be successful but I don't want to base my success on wealth. I want to base it on happiness. Am a thrilled to be doing this, and I am in love with it? I want to love my job. I want to know that I am making a difference.  Most importantly I really want to be living at the beach.


Well I am off for a walk on the beach.

- Alanna

Saturday, September 3

I have no idea where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere.

So lately I haven't been able to sleep. I'll fall asleep at 3am and find myself wide awake by 8am. I have a friend that says I just don't have the "sleeping talent" but I think it is because life is stressing me the f*&% out. I mean you can see it all over my face I am sure.

If you haven't noticed I have been using this space lately more as an outlet than a story teller. Maybe that is a good thing and maybe it is a bad thing, who really knows. All I know is lately my mind has been wondering.

It has been asking me questions after questions. Like, "Alanna, are you really doing this?" I'll of course ask back doing what, and then it just almost immediately spits back numerous Questions, ones I don't really want to hear.

So, mind here is my answer for you, "I have no idea where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere." Does that work for you?



Life you have been throwing twists at me lately and I am now prepared, how I don't really know but I am. I am ready for this new phase "mind", even if you are not .So here is me, answering all these questions once and for all, so mind become prepared to be amazed: 

Yes, I am single, no I have no one perspective new guy. Yes I am living in a new city, no, I don't have many new friends but the ones I do have will be there with me till the end. Yes, I am scared, but then again what is living with out taking some crazy chances when you can.  And yes mind, I am getting a tattoo, so get over it, it is gonna happen and it is happening some. Yes, I wasn't a rebel when I was younger. Okay, fine, yes I did have that one phase but this one is better. This one I am older for. This one I know I can handle without getting hurt. And the questions continue my ultimate response for now is "I have no idea where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere."





-alanna

Tuesday, August 30

Tonight I did Something I Shouldn't Have

So, tonight I did something I shouldn't have. I went back and looked over old post. Yes, I know there aren't many there to read but there are some that I still remember writing. I really remember what I was feeling as I wrote them.

There are post that are all about the "boyfriend". The boyfriend I no longer have. These post, when I wrote them, meant the world to me. Now they are just a reminder that things didn't turn into the fairy tale I thought they would.  Post like Someone very wise once said and Love Letters by Great Mean have brought me to my knees.

This is a place I haven't been in a while. One place I thought I would never have to worry about being in again. But you know that is what love does. You build it up. You put it on the pedestal and then you realize it wasn't what you thought it was.

Can I ask you something? Women, why do you let ourselves get hurt?

I mean why did I not see in those 3 years that he wasn't really going to change for me? That he wasn't going to ever move closer to me? That I wasn't to him what he was to me.

I am glad that I was able to see these facts. Yes, it hurts to know that I spent 3 years waiting for him to make me a priority in his life. You know what though I am glad I am able to see it now. Of course it hurts. Some days more than others but it get easier, just like my daddy always said.

So now the debate begins. Delete them? Save them? Let the universe do with them what it wants?

For now I will save them. I mean they are what I was feeling, what I was thinking, what I had to get out. Those post are now part of my ever changing life. Yes, it does hurt to see them but it is also reassuring knowing I have something to remember the good times and the bad times because in the end they both make me into girl I am today. A girl who is learning to live life as a single gal.

- Alanna

Thursday, August 25

So I LIED

Okay, okay. So I lied. I wasn't really back for long. My summer has taken some twist and turns along this crazy path I have chosen, however for the most part I am happy with where my life is taking me.

So I guess I need to start explaining what all I am referring too, huh? I am sure you are curious as to what these twist and turns are?

Well lets just jump right into it then. As some of you know but not all I am sure, I moved to the beach for the summer. I figured it would be a fun adventure especially after how my college career end and all (you know that little thing called a tornado that hit my beloved Tuscaloosa).

Well I fell in love with the beach. I mean how could I not? I work at night and spend most of my days sleeping or at the beach. How is that not fun? Plus I have made some wonderful friends down here and really learned what living is all about. So, now that summer has come to an end and all of my roommates have left to go back to school I have decided to make the beach life a permanent thing, well that is at least for a year before I have to go back to school myself.

I mean, would you not do the same thing if you had the chance? That's a serious question people...

So yea, I am living at the beach now. It has had it stressful moments, trying to figure out if I would be able to afford it down here and if I could find a place to live and another job. Let me tell you something God knows how to provide. I am now a manager at the restaurant and I had found one day job so far and am looking for another.  Yes, I will be busy but I would not have it any other way.

And bonus, I now have a place to live! I am super pumped about this new piece of news because I am about to have to move out of the place I am currently living in now and because the new place is closer to the beach and work.

So all of that is just the tip of the iceberg. While down at the beach I was able to take a good look at my life and maul over where it was going. A disturbing away to describe it, I know but I feel like that is how it went.

I made the decision to move to the beach with out the" boy's" help. That sounds stupid right. But after 3 years of dating is it? I mean its not like I could call him up and say "Hey, I'm moving to the beach for the summer", he is at fucking boot camp and we had no contact. So I did it. I moved down here. I had let him move to Montana and everywhere else, why should it matter if I moved to the beach.

Well to him, it wasn't a big deal, but at the same time it didn't matter if had been a big deal, I was already down here and I wasn't going anywhere. So that got my mind twirling and I realized, I was always the one doing the traveling in the relationship or always the one trying to make it work. Now he would come see me and we tried to make it fair (the whole traveling thing) but I always felt like I was putting more into it than him. So I did want anyone would do, I cried and laughed and I debated for a while about what I was going to do. Stay miserable or get single? I know that I loved the kid but should I make myself happy? Of course there is always more than one problem in relationship so I looked at all those and I came to the conclusion. "I needed a break."

So here is another twist and turn, I am now single. After 3 years, it weird and different but I am enjoying life. Who knows what the future holds for us but I know right now I need to figure out what the future holds for me before I put him first in life again.


So with all that off my chest I wish I had pictures to show you what all I have been up too down here as a beach bum but I don't have a camera so this post will just be words for now.


-Alanna




Sunday, June 19

I'm Back

Sorry I took an unexpected hiatus from "Laney Time", life has been super busy lately.

After the tornado, I had to figure out what I wanted to do. Stay in my depressing but beloved Ttown or move on to a new adventure. I chose the latter of the two and am now a resident of 30A (yes, that is Flordia). What can I say, I am pretty please with this new step in my life even if it is only for the
 summer.



I am loving it down here! Life is so laid back and I don't have to be at work till 4 everyday so this pale girl is trying to get her tan on. And, yes by tan I mean I am trying to not get burnt every time I go to the beach in hopes that I can get some color! But on the bright side of never getting tan my hair is getting blonder (it will probably be white by the end of the summer).

Oh and yes, Tom the boyfriend is off on his own adventure as well. He is now at Fort Benning, Ga till the December which means when its a hit or miss to talk to him but hey I do get my beloved LOVE LETTERS in the mail every so often!  These letter are how I am surviving this whole not getting to talk to him or see him. Of course I am writing him too. Everyday to be exact.

Well I am off  to get my tan on for the day. Till next time!


p.s HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO THE BEST DADDY A GIRL COULD ASK FOR!

Sunday, June 5

Summer loving...

So my plans have changed and changed again....

After the tornado, I did not know if Ttown was the right place for me. So I came home for a couple of days and then went to see my lover boy before he left for basic.

Then on to Ttown I went, then came my beach vacation with my family, minus my Twin who is fighting over seas for our freedom. And you know what? I got a job down in Destin.


 So long story short, I have moved out of 705 (sad that I am not longer in my beloved Ttown) and Hello beach life!

Monday, May 2

It all ended in a WHRILWIND


I am still in shock. Who would have thought that 4.27.11 would be a day that would change my world and my outlook on life.

For those of you who do not know, I live in Tuscaloosa, AL. Yes, the home town of the crimson tide but more recently the town that got hit by an EF 5 tornado.  The town I love it now unrecognizable.

Honestly I am lucky to be alive. The storm hit 3 blocks from my house. Had it not turned and gone down 15th street my home would no longer be standing. A grateful as I feel that God spared my house I am more humbled by the herd of volunteers that have driven from all over the place to help.

This was not a small tornado. It is the largest you can get and in the wake of the storm it left a path of destruction  a mile wide and over 10 miles long. In the path of this storm were numerous business and homes. Some where my own families home and others were my friends homes. Some who lost only a little and some who lost everything.


Here are picture of my beloved town:

First let me put into perspective for you these apartments are behind and the left of my house.

This was a regular eatery of mine and my roommates.

This is smoothie king, where one of my friends worked. She was lucky enough to have left about 15 minutes before the tornado hit. 


 


These 3 picture are of one of my friends house. It use to be a two story house. They saw the tornado coming on T.V. and gathered the dogs and a mattress from the second floor. They all piled into a tiny pantry and waited the storm out. It was pitch black in the panty but after the storm there was light and they knew they were lucky to be alive,
April, Zach and John, I am so glad ya'll are alive and ok!!




Above and to the right is my aunts house. She was lucky that it was still standing. It however had 3 huge trees on it, might I mention that now of them are from her yard. The whole right side of here house is gone, we could not even get into the rooms that use to be there. Her two dogs were from in one of the room hiding under her bed. The dogs are now safe and sound with minor injuries and are being taken care of by a nice vet in Birmingham, AL.


 My Aunt was still at the University when the tornado hit. She would have normally been at home during the time but the school made her stay. She was very lucky. The tornado had popped up so her neighborhood did not get the full blunt of it.



This is a picture of her neighbors car. It had about 3 trees on it. Her neighbors were home when the storm hit. They are all alive and okay. 




This is a picture from on top of my aunts house. If you look closely you can see DCH which is the hospital. It is over 5 miles away and you should not have been able to see it.



This is also from the top of my aunts house looking the other way. There use to be town homes on this ridge but the tornado touched down here and now  all you can now see are the foundations of the homes. 








The following pictures are of the destruction behind my house. I still can not believe how lucky we all got that day. 









There are numerous ways to help my beloved city. Feel free to add a comment if you would like to know how you can help. Tuscaloosa has been my home for the past 4 years. It is a place I love and a place that now needs all the help it can get. 



Thursday, March 17

A night I will never forget


 There I was in a car with its flashers on driving down the streets of O’Fallon, IL, a town I have never been too.  As I looked out the window, I could see hundreds of people standing on the side of the road. They had all come to pay their respects to man that given his life for them.  There were thousands of them, watching this procession .They had placed thousands of American Flags along the road and many were saluting as we drove by. It was dark by the time we made it into town but you could still see the sorrow and tears that filled most of their faces.   
I had only met him once, but once is enough to know this man deserved the honor he was given that night in O’Fallon, IL.
Tears keep falling down my face.  All I could think was these people did not have to be here. They did not have to be standing on the side of the road on a Friday night. Did they not have better things to be doing? Then with the tears still rolling down my red face I realized they all wanted to be here. To us he was a son, a brother, a nephew, a cousin and a friend but to them Zac Cuddeback was a stranger.  



They came because Zac had fought not only for the freedom of the people he knew but for all these strangers. They came to pay respects to a family whose soldier had paid the ultimate price.
It was a night that made me proud to be an American. A night that reassured me people still believe in this country and our military.  It was a night that reassured me that no matter what, my dad, my brother, my Tom did the right thing by serving for our freedom. 

 I will never forget this night. I will remember it as a night Americans showed their true colors. A night that it was okay that my twin brother was on active duty. A night that it was okay my father had missed so many dance routines, sports game, and birthdays.  A night that it was okay that Tom would be leaving me for years.
This night is a night that I will tell for a long time to come, not only to preserve Zac’s memory but  preserve the grace of Americans. 




Here is news article that show the support we received:
http://www.kplr11.com/news/ktvi-airmens-remains-return-from-frankfurt-airport-shooting-20110311,0,752881.story?track=rss

To Zac:
I wish you could have been there, to see the support this community gave to your family. All of the flags, the 300+patriot guard members and the thousands of strangers, all there to show they cared about what you had given. I know you would have loved it. The car your mom and Tim got to drive was awesome. They say driving it is like sitting in an airplanes cockpit. Can you believe the dealership let them take a 2011 BMW M3 (your favorite car) off the lock without having to pay a thing? Crazy I know. Thank you for fighting for my freedom. I am grateful that I got to meet you and that we got to share a few drinks together.  Can we make a little promise? Will you promise to be Tom's angel when he goes over seas. You see he is so excited to be fight not only for our countries name but also for you name now. Promise me you'll keep those baby blue eyes on him.




(I wish I had pictures that would show just how many people came out to show support but in that moment I would could not take pictures. There were over 300+ patriot guard that came out to show support and between 5000-10,000 people that stood on the street to show their respects to this fallen solider.)

Wednesday, March 9

The season of Lent

I will not lie, I had to think long and hard about what I wanted to give up for Lent this year.

In the past  couple of years I have given up soft drinks and and Facebook.
I was able to stay off Facebook but giving up on of my sources of caffeine didn't work. It might have lasted a week.

So what am I giving up this year?

I am giving up my addiction to watching TV while I am trying to fall asleep at night.
It's a horrible habit, not to mention it not a healthy habit to have.
Studies have shown you have a better night sleep when you have no tv's or computers in your bedroom.

I told Tom I was giving up this habit and he was shocked, mainly because he was hoping I was going to give up the sound machine that has been putting me to sleep since the 7th grade.


(He hates it with a passion.)

What are you giving up for lent?

Monday, March 7

Thankful Sunday on a Monday

So I was a little busy over the weekend designing a robot (that's another story on its own) and unfortunately did not have time to write down what I was thankful for this past week.

After everything that happened last week I have to say I am thankful for our military.

They do so much for us, more than we will ever know. I am thankful that they are out there fighting for my freedom.

Here are couple of soldiers I know personally that I would like to thank:

This is Zac, Tom's cousin. Zac lost his life on Wednesday, March 2, 2011 fighting for our freedom. He will always be remembered. Thank you, Zac!
This is Blitz, my daddy. This picture was taken in Afghanistan.
 This is Alex, Tom's Brother. He was a Marine and did 2 tours over seas. 

This is Toms brother, Paul, is currently in Washington. 
This is my twin brother, Conlyn, he left for active duty on Thursday and will be deployed to Iraq within the next month. 
This is the boyfriend, I do not have a picture of him in uniform because he leaves for training in May.

I am very thankful for these men and all the others I know personally, plus the others I have yet to meet.
You all hold a special place in my heart.

Thank you!




Saturday, March 5

stressed to the max

I am not going to lie, I am to the verge of tears.What am I suppose to do next year? I am a biology major whose school has not prepared me for the real world. What do you do with a biology degree? I would be a horrible teacher so I already know I can't go that route. So that brings me back to the question of what am I going to do next year?


What does a biology major do after college? I have applied to pharmacy school but lets face the facts it will be a miracle if I get in this late in the year.

I am debating going back to school and getting an interior design major, but that is another four years of undergrad. Is it worth it?

Should I try and just take a year off from school and apply to grad programs?

I don't know what to do with my life? Is this normal this late in the game?

I need HELP... please do you have any advice?

Wednesday, March 2

A fallen Soldier....

I don't know if you have watched the news today, but there was a shooting at the Frankfurt Airport in Germany. Two Air Force soldiers were killed and another two were wounded.

I was working in the research lab today when I read this head line for the first time. To be honest I didn't think much of it, other than the fact that I was sadden for those soldiers families.

Soon after I read the article the story past out of my working memory and I forgot about it, that is until I received a random phone call from the boyfriend tonight. He was acting weird and I soon realized it was because he was crying. Tom never cries and all I could get out of him was that his cousin had been killed today.

Then the article come back into my mind......

His cousin was stationed at the air force base in Germany.

 Tom never cries and to be honest I was in total shock from what he was telling me. Before I knew it he was rushing to get off the phone to talk to his brother but all I could get out of my mouth was I'm so sorry.... but all I was really thinking was my brother leaves for active duty tomorrow and Tom's brother is probably going to be going to Germany soon and gosh darn why did Tom have to join the military?

I only met Zac once .... but once is enough to know that he didn't deserve what that man did today in Germany. No one deserves that. He family doesn't deserve that.



PLEASE KEEP TOM'S FAMILY IN YOUR PRAYERS OVER THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS. 

and remember to keep every soldier who is fighting for us and our freedom in your prayers.

(Out of respect to Zac and his family, I don't want to release to many details)


Tuesday, March 1

March 27

This is not Hank; however, I now think we should at least get him a birthday hat!
Its is coming up so soon....

Hank the bulldog will be turning 2. I can't believe its been two years almost since we went and picked him out from all the other bulldogs. He was the smallest dog there and he slept in his food bowl (I should have known then he was going to be one strange doggie)

Have you ever thrown a doggie birthday party before? What would the crazy snorer excited pee-er want for his birthday is he could speak (actually I wonder what kind of voice Hank would have if he could speak)?

Have any ideas on what we should do for the Hanker's 2nd birthday?

Monday, February 28

Delima .. I need your help

Well after one cup of coffee and one red bull later the day is finally over. Today has been a long day, but an exciting one!

Why was it so exciting you might ask? We'll I had two school assignments moved to after spring break!! That means 2 extra weeks to work on things!!

But that isn't the real reason why today has been exciting

MY PCAT SCORE CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY!!!! For those of you who don't know it is the entrance exam for pharmacy school.

Now here is my delima......
 

Do I open the envelope and find out my score (its taken 6 weeks to get here) or just wait until after I know if I got an interview with Belmont's School of Pharmacy (then it doesn't really matter what I made)?


What do you think open it or not???



P.S. Tom is so mad I won't open it.




Sunday, February 27

Thankful Sunday's

Let's start a tradition. Let's pick one think from the last week that we are really thankful for. Okay, so maybe you won't start this tradition but I want too. I think it will be a good way to look back at my week and become thankful for something I might have over looked that week.

So lets begin......

The thing I am thankful for on this cloudy very warm, last Sunday in February are my beautiful lilies I got for Valentine's Day.

These are my favorite flowers in the entire world. My wonderful Lover boy had then sent to me for Valentines day!

It was a total surprise. You see we don't celebrate the holiday normally but since Tom was suppose to be gone he ordered them almost a month in advance.

Super sweet I know and amazing, my guy thought weeks in advance and ordered me the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen!

What is one thing you are thankful for this week?

Friday, February 25

New Hobby Friday

I have a new hobby .......

ROCK CLIMBING

It all started about a year ago but this semester I have gone climbing every Friday! It is a fun different type of workout.  I am sore all over after a get back from a good climb and I am working muscle I never have before.

I enjoy bouldering more than I enjoy an actual climb. Bouldering is where you stay within about 10ft of the ground and climb with no harness.


This is what a boudlering wall looks like ----------->

Now if you are looking for a workout where you can look cute and not get dirty this is not the sport for you. I have blisters and cracks all over my hands from the rocks and so much caulk under my nails. But I promise if you don't care about being sore, having rough hands and caulk all over you then you enjoy this sport.

Now for this sport you really don't want to wear shorts, you bang up your legs and it can become painful plus you have to wear one of these         --------->
and shorts just aren't comfortable in a harness.


Now to the shoes, I love shoes so being able to pick your own shoes is a major benefit. At most climbing walls you can rent shoes and harness which is wonderful when you are starting out and trying to decided if the sport is for you. Once you decided that you love the sport as much as I do, you get to start looking for your own gear.

Now, since I am new to the rock climbing world I don't have any real recommendations at this time but once I find things that I love you better bet I will post on them!!

Do you like to climb? Do you have any recommendation for gear on a tight budget?


Someone very wise once said....

Someone very wise once told me, actually this wise person told me today:
"If you can't image your life without them then you shouldn't be with them."

Now you might be asking why this advice means anything to me, but really instead you should be asking why this advice means everything to me.

Well ........


This map is why that quote means everything to me. This is not just any old map, this map depicts the places where the boyfriend has lived in comparison to me. Oh, and just so you know we have never lived in the same town.

I know you are probably still wondering what does this map have to do this quote that is now dictating my life.

To be honest this map has everything to do with the quote. I would have never been told the quote, had it not been for the distance that is always between the boyfriend and I.

Today, I has been a struggle. I have been dealing with the distance for almost 3 years now and it seems like some days are harder than others. Today was one of those struggle days. If your a girl you will understand, today was one of those days when I was looking for assurance that we are going to make it through these next couple of years of long distance and he gave me nothing. I can not blame him though it seems like I have needed reassurance everyday this week and I am sure he is just tired of it.

And then here came that quote...Honestly it came from a person I would have never expect but it was exactly what I needed. 

No matter what happens, I know that he is exactly what I need and what I want and I cannot see my future without him in it.

So thank you very wise person for the quotes that has changed my outlook on life


Thursday, February 24

Hank Shows off his Smile

Hank had a good day today and he just wanted to show his smile off.

He is the cutest thing. I have read that the reason why dogs make faces at us when we first walk in the door is because they are following by our example.

So I guess to Hank this is what I look like when I get excited to see him after a long day.


I mean who wouldn't  love to come home to this face everyday!?